This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
