Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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