Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
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Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
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I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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