Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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