broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
