woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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