So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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