Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just found a bag of teeth...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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