a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
