I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
