when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
