Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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