I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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