What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
