I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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