How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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