Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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