This dress was meant to end up on your floor
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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