i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
