420 ftw
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
