I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
