We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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