I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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