I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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