I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
