I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
