The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
