i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
