WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
