hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
