well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
