Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
