just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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