He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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