Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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