At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
