I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
