i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You took a bar mat shot.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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