Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
