Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
honey bunches of taint.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
