Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
