I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
