please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
