I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
