doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
