If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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