I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
