I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
