Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
