If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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