somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
