my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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