I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
