How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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