new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize