i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am midnight drunk by noon
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And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
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I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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