I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
