I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Randomize
