I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
