Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
