So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
