Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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