I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
