chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
