Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
