Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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