i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
