why didn't you poke me back
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
