Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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